Rapid decline

If you look closely, you can see the exact moment a fragile heart tore

The first hit, the first swallow, consumed by more. 

Who abandoned you, broke your heart, didn’t come to your rescue

What hardships and struggles have you been through

Who convinced you that your life has no value

Looking down upon me, I’m angry at you

I tried looking at things from your point of view

I still don’t understand why you chose to do what you can’t undo

The warning

You didn’t love me, and that’s a hard pill to swallow,  you cheated on me, and now i feel so hollow, the shell of man whos now hiding in the shadows, load up on drugs to forget, learn to let go. Meth, Ambien, Coke and hydros, hit that combo, narcotics lotto, with cheap whiskey to follow, get outta my Head hoe, you ain’t welcome no more. Fucking my homeboy the whole time, 10/27/17 followed by heart eyes, but we didn’t didn’t breakup till the 5th of November, for 9 days you dated 2 guys? But got mad at me for the breakup I finalized? You’re now dating a minor, couldn’t let that get out, devised a plan to otherwise disguise your unmoralised relationship hoping people would be none the wise. When I got high, I was demonized. Likewise when you hit the pipe hopeing others would sympathize. Surprise, when you’re almost 20 dating a 15 year old, people will still criticize, no matter how bad you try to characterize me as an asshole, brutalize my name, here’s a compromise. Keep the story straight, no need to dramatise. I was an asshole, but I feel it was justified. Analyze my wrongs versus yours, you’ll recognize that only your friends believe your side which of course you glamatized. Feel free to exercise your right to vocalize, but if you continue making up absurd lies, I’ll reprioritize, go full force to show how much you fabricated, fictionalized, miniaturize your name until you’re immortalized for what you are, everything you’ve said and done, don’t continue to antagonize, or bringing you down will be my biggest prize, better with words, I’ll prove that I’m right, and I know you don’t want that, you know what it implies. You’ve been warned girl, take this with a grain of salt, because if what I know gets out, you’ll add more cuts to your thighs. 

Virginity

I should’ve said no when I had the chance, cause she lost her voice when he took all command. He was drunk, and she was scared, but in his mind, they were the perfect pair. He was bigger and stronger, she wanted to go home, cause in that hotel room, she felt so alone. Ready at first, when she was still buzzed, reality set in when his car pulled up. Encouraged by friends, she wanted to do it. An 18 year old virgin, she wanted to lose it. She really wanted love, but settled for lust. She couldn’t have known that sex was a must. I should’ve said no when I had the chance, cause she lost her voice when he took off her pants. She no longer wanted this, she tried to say so. I guess he forgot that no means no. She lay there crying, she had no fight left. He knew he had broken her, and his secrect would be kept. Before he went to bed, he forced his last kiss. No one should lose their virginity like this. I should’ve said no when I had the chance, because she lost her voice when he said yes.

A letter

Do you see yourself when you look at me? Troubled teen, crack fein, someone you used to be? Used to tell me to reach for the stars, but i was only 3. Then you disappeared, poof. Nigga you was a dream. Nah, you wasn’t there, yeah you didn’t care, and that isn’t fair, You didn’t claim me, like why do you hate me, like why does it faze me, came back in my life like “boy don’t test me”, give it a rest B, cause you ain’t shit see, I’ll always be better thanks to the woman who raised me, the woman who taught me, the who woman who showed me, that I can be anything, and I can do anything, man Ima be everything, that you can’t be. I’ll stand up for everyone, never back down to anyone, be a man of my word, even if I am the only one. Chose to go to war, but you don’t have a clue, the things I will do, the extent I will go, to protect my family, from the likes of you. You’re alot of things, all of them bad, so this is for you. A letter to my dad.

Colliding thoughts

You been in debt, I been there with you

Pictured death? I’m right there with you

Want the drugs that want you too? Believe me man, I been in yo shoes

All alone? Yeah, I know that feeling

So much anger you just wanna kill and,

It ain’t worth it, for your sake

You’re a beautiful soul, so fuck a mistake

And fuck all the fakes

And fuck them friends who just take, take, take

And fuck the ones who make you feel unimportant

Import these good vibes, export the bad ones

Fuck the ones who wanna use you for fun

You know what I’m talkin about,

The ones who make you wanna go berserk with a gun

The ones who weigh you down like a fuckin ton

Fuck that bitch who stole your heart,

The one you wanted to love, but she tore you apart

And fuck the haters, even though they always come

When you on your knees and they make you feel like a bum

Cause you can’t afford to eat, and your stomache goes numb

But you power through, even though you’re down on your luck

Sleep in your car, and dream of big bucks

Middle finger in the sky, you don’t give a fuck

Cause You’re on rock bottom right now, and the time goes slow

Few dollars in your name but you’ll make that dough

You’ll be at the top soon, I promise you that, cause I was there too, man I promise you that

At least that’s what someone told me before I lost my hat, before the noose around my neck made me cough and hack,

Before the pills made their way down the hatch

And thoughts of suicide decided to fight back,

Before I was weak at the thought of relapse, 

Life’s going nowhere, depression attacks

And the alchol in my system makes me gag

But being sober just feels to bad

And that’s to bad cause I used to be scared of losing control, but once you start rock, you begin to roll

And it all really takes a toll

And you start to realize that your life is dull

But the gun in my hand is really full,

and it’s ready to spit all over my face

Death is the end, and life is the race

If thats case, ima come in first place

Ready to put all these thoughts to rest

Thinking that ending my life is for the best

Shit man, I think I failed this test

You’ve never been in my fucking shoes

So before I’m gone, just know I hate you

You

The one who did this

Maybe it’s me, I just have self conflicting interests

Like I wanna be great, but I wanna be dead

A thug in the streets, but rich in my head

Fuck that, I just wanna be dead

Or my voice to be heard

If you listen to me, you’ll hear that I’m hurt

Live in a big house, maybe a yurt

Maybe a grave 6 ft under wouldnt hurt

Maybe that 9. In a mall would burst

Maybe my mind was just fuckin cursed 

Maybe I Rob that bitch of her purse,

Just give me your money, I’ll coerce

Or I’ll make you ride in a hearsh

Or ill let you live, but if I do that,

Fuck that, I’m not that good of a guy

Don’t expect me to think straight when I’m fuckin high,

And my last words won’t be goodbye

They’ll be die bitch die

And with cops looking for me, my hair I’ll dye, and my hair I’ll cut, like the the veins in my wrist, and my words that’ll twist

I really can’t write with this fuckin twitch, bitch

I needed the help

But I don’t want your help

Why am I talking to myself

Why am i in hell

Shit, maybe I can post bail

Maybe I can bail on life

I failed before, but this time the rope is tight

And my oxygen fading

And my Buzz is fading

The light in my eyes are fucking fading

But I’m still alive

And my thoughts collide

Cause I know I can be great

If my wanting to die can coincide

With wanting to live

But first, I must forgive, 

But fuck you guys

I’ll give in to my sin

After I eat my din

666, you know that’s my pin

Self defense, I’ll stick you with a pen

I see life through a black colored lens

And my finger on the trigger says this is the end

BLAM

Tweakers fall

The dignified bridge is the first view you peep, the town is quaint when you first pull through. 

Old people don’t watch tv as a treat, watching to see if grandkids made it on the news.

Help your homie and he gets busted with your heat, hold your breath and hope he stays true. 

Dead body’s in the streets, yeah thats nothing new. 

Broken needles surround your feet, lingering presence of the fools. Sirens in the air is the sound we keep, don’t know where they going but play it cool. 

Lose your homeboy to tweak, he’s another lost soul

Don’t ever flash your wealth to the less fortunate who think it’s a treat, they’ll strip your ass down and rob you, now ain’t that cold. 

Don’t fuck with someone when they’re at their peak, they’re dangerous because their conscious slipped through their hold.

Keep to yourself just bite your cheek, don’t be a hero cause they’ll ruin the bold.

Welcome home, you’ll survive or get beat, this was your warning, don’t say you weren’t told. 

The price of dope

I got homies doing life behind bars, livin lives you can’t peep, life 6ft under, and none yall see, when you sell your soul to the devil, you’ll never be free, bought as big as a pepple, it’ll bring you to your knees. sharp like glass, but you dyin for that sting, it’s the noose on your neck, you’re lifes bound by strings, like you didn’t know better, so ima tell you what’s up, your momma told you not even once, but that’s cause once isn’t enough, once you feel it’s power, then your limits will cower, cause nothing can stop you, you’ll rise forever, cause it feels so good, it’s on your mind now and ever, you’re top of the world, but soon you’ll crumble. It’ll wither you to nothing, but still you’ll stay. You’ll lose your friends and your family, and yourself along the way. Try as you might, you won’t get away, you won’t escape it’s grasp, it’s already to late. Up your nose, or in your lungs, it’ll feel good for a min. But soon the needle will pierce your skin, and you’ll ask to be forgiven for your sins. you swear it’s the last time you do it, until you do it again. You’re no longer human, you’re not even you, but that’s the price you pay, it’s all overdue. You’ll hate that you love it, it has all control, that little white rock will take over your soul.